Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”