Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision