The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon