[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
A Short Story.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.