I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.