That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
You Might Also Like
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
TRAIN’S HERE
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’d love this…lol
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”