The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
this is me
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.