*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
You Might Also Like
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.