Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??