why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
You Might Also Like
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that