2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.