All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
TODAY
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My kitchen overserved me.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955