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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.