I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”