First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Mountain Goat : )
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin