I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…