Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
the answer was staring at me all along
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.