If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated