I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.