How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.