I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.