[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.