8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My support group can outdrink your support group.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Friday
Current mood: Potato
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂