nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
This will teach them to underestimate me
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.