Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.