Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.