The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.