I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
For the ones in the back.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.