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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
i dont have time for this
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
The internet is full of many things
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait