Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
how long have you had this for?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.