She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up