Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.