Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
This a good idea
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.