Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
just got my engagement photos
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK