Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Morning.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*