The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord