Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
When can I start eating bats again.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.