Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!