Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*