Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Hamburger Hinderer.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones