I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Same pineapple, same
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.