While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]