One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.