Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah