Called it
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?