My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.