The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.