Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
what it’s like dating me:
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days