When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Baller is short for ballerina
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV