My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude